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Game of Thrones S05E07 recap and review: 'The Gift' (Spoiler alert)

Oh, my.
It's the recap and review of Game of Thrones S05E07.

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Petyr's all, "I had to do the unimaginable and tell Cersei something that was true. It felt weird. However, I didn't tell her everything. Oh, and I have a gift for you." "?" asks Olenna. "The same kind I gave Cersei., says Petyr, "a handsome young man."

We don't need another hero

Back in Mereen, the soon-to-be-gladiators are suiting up for their first (and probably last) day in the Thunderdome.

Whoever survives this insanity gets to fight in the Great Games, which is a huge Pay-Per-View event. As luck would have it, Daenerys Targaryen happens to show up at this humble fighting pit. the first round of Gladiators chants, "We fight and die for your glory, O glorious Queen!"

Jorah's like, "Wuuuuuut! Dani is here? And I'm dressed like this? Well, I've been dressed like this since my very first appearance on this show, so I guess that's... but she's here?!"  He sneaks a peek through the bars of the bullpen and sees the radiantly-dressed Dani. His heart fills with... hope. And probably some lust that may or may not be legal depending on where you are.

Since this is Game of Thrones, the fights are quick and violent, with most of the Round One dead and/or twitching on the ground in seconds. Dani is about to leave. Jorah is like, "Hell, no," and he suits up, stepping out into the sands of the arena.

Like some sort of Bruise Fairy, Jorah goes to each of the surviving gladiators and kicks their asses without killing them. He's freakin' amazing at this: Jorah is like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. Meanwhile, Tyrion is set free by a hulking dude who looks like he'd work at my local cafe.

Jorah finishes beating everyone's asses and unmasks in front of his Khaleesi. Now, I dunno what he expected to happen, but this is what did happen:

Then Tyrion comes out and presents himself to Daenerys. Since Dani has no idea who the hell he is, The Imp has to introduce himself: Tyrion Lannister, at your service.

Turnabout is fair play

Back at King's Landing, Cersei visits Margaery Tyrell in jail.

Cersei is like, "Here's some medicine. It's almost definitely not poison." Margaery says, "I know you were behind this, you itch with a B. That's why Tommen abandoned you for me. Because my name's Margaery/ I'm so very/ Fly, oh my, it's a lil' bit scary... we've been over that. Anyway, f*ck off."

CERSEI: My son needs me more than ever.
MARGAERY: Get out, you hateful bitch!

The hateful bitch indeed gets out, leaving Margaery to fester in her gross-ass cell. Cersei then visits the High Septon, who says that Margaery and Loras will each be tried before seven septons, including his bad self. Should either confess beforehand, there would be some degree of mercy, but, since this is Game of Thrones, don't expect tearful hugs and kisses.

The High Septon tells Cersei that the Tyrells' money and lies will be stripped away... "and so will it be for all of us. High and low alike. What will we find when we strip away your finery? #WeAreThe99%." Turns out Lancel Lannister gave up a motherlode of family secrets when he became a Sparrow.

No dice.

The Sparrows throw Cersei in jail.

She tells the septon nuns (or whatever they're called), "Look at my face. It's the last thing you'll see before you die." The ladies are unimpressed, slamming the door on the Queen Mother (or is it the Dowager Queen?) as they leave.

Game of Thrones S05E07 review

That's what I call a Game of Thrones episode. Purposeful violence. Random violence. Threats. Sex. Sexy witches. The Sand Snakes being awesome.

What else? Oh... DIRE FREAKIN' WOLVES! Finally.

My favorite scene was Bronn and the Sand Snakes in jail: I could have very easily watched an entire episode of them just winding each other up. Also, I thought for sure that Bronn was going to die. The most unexpected twist in Game of Thrones is when someone is actually merciful.

The most important moment, though, was the revelation of the High Septon's master plan. Will we get a Cersei-and-Margaery-in jail-scene next week, where they fight to get onto Red's kitchen staff? One can hope.

Also, I'm keen to see what happens now that Tyrion is in the hands of Team Dragon Mama. I'm betting that Jorah will still have to fight in the Great Games.

And Samwell Tarly... good on ya, mate.

As for Psycho Hobbit, I gotta say that Ramsay Snow/Bolton/Whatever is at his most menacing when his smiles are genuine. Those evil smirks just read as performance, and make his character less believable. My note to actor Iwan Rheon would be, "The less you do with your face, the scarier you are and more we believe you. Caesar Romero's Joker would not have worked in The Dark Knight." It's frustrating because much of the time Rheon totally nails it.

I give Game of Thrones S05E07 four snarling, vicious Dire Wolves out of a possible five. See you next week for Game of Thrones S05E08, "Hardhome".

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